Oozing with Talent, stifled by anxiety

I have talent, skills and gifts oozing out of me like a warm tube of uncapped toothpaste.  I write, I created a board game, a clothing line and new design for hospital gowns. I have comedic talents, I am a teacher, a Speaker, a storyteller. I have a wild and very active imagination. I have been accused of trying to reinvent the wheel as my Pops puts it. I am a retired massage therapist, studied hypnotherapy, Substance Counselor. I have created workshops & an alternative 12 Step Program.  I have books and plays and short stories in my head, two workbooks partially ready for print or electronic print.

However, if not under a dark cloud, I have struggled in my health and with anxiety and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of creative ideas that come to me all at once and I don’t know which to run with. I try to think logically; the one that will take little to no money and shortest amount of time to get rolling.

That hasn’t worked for me. I get so upset that I have words with God.  I don’t understand sometimes why I have been given all these talents, skills and gifts but unable to see get them out where they can inspire, educate and promote more good. But listen, I suffer from depression [ however I believe depression to be a byproduct of not living your purpose, not being able to do what’s inside of you, what God has instilled in you, as you/me] so sometimes the frustration of not being able to get even one of my many ideas, talents or skills to work for me pulls me apart.

I have so many interests, so many things intrigue me, and passionate about so many things I could go on and argue points on all sides for most of them.. the Good, the Bad, the UGLY and the Beauty. Writing I think is my first passion and strongest talent/skill/natural ability. I have been writing since 7, at least. I was dyslexic. I read AND wrote upsidedown and backwards. I still can.

My parents in their infinite wisdom and both having had this problem themselves had their first collective positive brain attack of how to help me past it…. They turned the books upsidedown and said, “The way you are seeing it, is the way it really is”, and that’s how I learned to read and write right side up.

I had to have been writing my stories and thoughts down before the age of 7 because I begged for a typewriter and got one for my 7th birthday. Because of the dyslexia, I still have to look at the keys as I type, 5 typing classes, 3 Mavis Trainings via the computer and 40 years of typing, EXCEPT when Spirit takes over me, I start off letter searching keys and before I know it I am waking from a trance like state and amazed at what I have written. Of course that doesn’t happen every time, but I’ve yet to write anyone a boring letter, a boring anything.

Through the years I have tried many independent ventures otherwise known as Entrepreneurial endeavors, businesses. Every one I stepped into were acts of Love, conviction, passion, soul capturing. I struggled for twenty-two and a half years as a Massage Therapist. Don’t get me wrong, I was good, very good, Maybe I was more successful at it than I give myself credit for. It took several years before I actually made a living at it. By time I did, my body had had enough…

Clothing line and hospital attire… I did everything from concept to hot-pressing & placing each saying, sewing each gown, creating & cutting test patterns. I did it all but sales. I couldn’t sale my way out of a paperbag. Crash. There went my business with only a handful of start up items bought by a student that believed in me. Couldn’t find a sales person and didn’t know how to price.

Board game, Students loved it. Got so much from it. As far as I ever got was the prototype and a class full of Honor Roll students. Avon Lady, not one sale in 4 months, one loose threat from a relative in her 70’s in the form of a joke that if I should ask her to look at my Avon book or hint a sale she would bludgeon me.

So Write & Speak for a paycheck, inquire for these positions? Off goes the anxiety bell, I become so high strung I play like a poorly rehearsed string quartet. Oh my God, No, can’t I hire an agent to do my bidding, find the jobs for me?   Oh that’s right, I’m in debt up to dent in Alan Jackson’s hat, you can’t afford to hire someone to get you the bookings or writing jobs. You have to do it. Eek!

We all have fears to face, demons to conquer, fish to fry. This blog is where I tell it like it happens and hope it grows into a community of Other Struggling Genius’ end the struggle or at least be supported by like minded & similarly suffering souls. It is my hope that we learn from each other, that we grow together, that we encourage one another.

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