Opportunity Wasted or Sensory Overload?
Last night I was on the computer researching Kickstarter.com: read every page, every word. It gave me nothing more to think about, all I had to do now was go to sleep and allow a plan to form.
Before my eyes were closed I knew which project to start with. It made perfect sense for once. I knew I wouldn’t get straight to work with it in the morning. My morning was to be a doctor’s appointment & leisure time in a cool mindless place, the Mall (so my mind could open up to the next step). Can’t get anymore mindless than the Mall, can ya? Knowing I’d be safe from spending anything as I’m broke as a $2 Hooker, my aunt Suzy would say. Just free romp time for my brain to chill out.
But what actually happened was I missed the doctor’s appointment as result of an inconsiderate act and I let it steal my day. Instead of using the time to work on my project, my head was stuck in what I couldn’t get done. This is not a character trait I am fond of having or admitting and it wasn’t always the case with me. This is a recent thing. It may have been a character flaw I had back in my teens & twenties but I’m well past that now.
Or so I thought I was. I think its from several months of being rudely interrupted when I am involved in something and having someone else’s responsibilities handed off to me like a kid with a super poopy diaper. So when my day was AGAIN hijacked, my mind stalled as opposed to changing gears and getting something done for my project.
I know. I know I shouldnt be so hard on myself but that’s my conditioning… If I’m not hard on me to succeed my family will be. I’m the tamer & kinder one of the two choices. They’ve gotten better & understand I’ve been sick but I sense they expect this downtime should be used wisely.
They dont have to be hard on me anymore. I have the Instruction Mannual on that now: Switch gears when things change up, use downtime to mediate or research & produce. I know producing is the opposite of downtime but I’ve always been a bit ass backwards about things.
So I got no work done for my project & I would have been okay with that had I made anything of my day, after all I have to rebuild Rome if not today, very very soon. I’ve had so many plans disrupted so often that my bootstrap genes are breaking down ( with the rest of me). Its not like I didnt get anything done.
I read email courses, posted a blog elsewhere, chatted with my sister, reached out to a friend but nothing on my project & I cant get my head around it to even approach it.
Still this is not acceptable, I gotta pull it together & readjust as things change, cause they’re going to for a little while more.
I must try to remember this. Maybe thats my fear… That it’s not meant to be. Its only taken me 11 years to get as far as I have. Faith without works is? Then what is works without Faith?
What keeps you from that thing that is brewing inside of You?
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